Taking Action with Anna this Domestic Violence Prevention Month

Young people are still forming their understanding of love, boundaries, and self-worth. When young people experience DFV in those early relationships, it can shape how they see themselves and what they believe they deserve for years to come.

We need to take their experiences seriously, not only because of the harm being done now, but because of the long-term impact it can have. They are also intense, like anything a young person does. Young people's relationships are not "puppy love" and they cannot be dismissed as unimportant and not impactful. DFV can be experienced at any age, and a lot of more insidious and subtle forms of violence are highly prevalent in young people's relationships currently.

Some signs that something isn't right include early love bombing by a partner. You are a wonderful person and everyone is worthy of love, but a person who has just met or started dating you does not know that yet. When they come on very strong, making future plans, telling you they love you early on, showering you with gifts and affection, that kind of intensity does not last. After that it turns into control and sometimes into violence.

These signs are easy to miss because they are normalised. We do not have enough education in society to recognise love bombing and also the more subtle forms of coercive control and violence. It is normal for young people to share their location with their family, friends and very often their partners. It's also normal to be expected to reply immediately or very quickly, and most social media platforms show when someone is logged into a social media app, showing they are "active". These become expectations of young people to share their location, reply straight away and be available constantly.

Acting against online coercive control starts with recognising that constant monitoring, pressure to reply, or sharing passwords isn’t care, it’s control.

In practice, it can look like setting clear boundaries: “I’m not sharing my location,” or not replying immediately and constantly and not feeling bad about that. It might also mean staying strong against their guilt-tripping or pressure. It’s important that all people, regardless of age, know who they are in their relationships and have a full life outside of their relationships. See your friends and family, play sports, learn something new, study, work, whatever it is that you want to do. You have to exist as a complete person outside of your relationship, and that can be hard to remember sometimes.

Boundary setting is not easy to do alone. Seeking support is key, whether that’s a friend, trusted adult, or service. This could mean having someone help you decide what your boundaries are, help you stay strong when you maintain them and support you if you need it.

Please remember, if someone breaks your boundaries that is not your fault. Sometimes you can do everything “right” and something still happens to you. The best way to prevent coercive control is for people using coercive control to stop doing it. That involves respectful relationship education, role modelling, conservations in families, school, peers, community etc. There shouldn’t always be an expectation on survivors to keep ourselves safe, we deserve to live free from fear of harm or violence.

Usually, if you listen to your gut you will know.

If you have doubts, fears, concerns or worries, there is probably something wrong. It is normal to feel a small amount of questioning in your romantic relationship. But if you feel anxious frequently, if your partner is asking for things you are not comfortable with, if you feel like you are giving part of yourself away including your friendships, your identity etc., if you are hiding things from your family and friends, then something is not right.

Talk to someone you trust about it, a friend, parents, school teacher, counsellor, another adult etc. And if you feel like they don't understand or they aren't listening, talk to another person about it. There's also Full Stop Australia or Kids Helpline for free.

Start with education, understanding what domestic and family violence actually looks like, especially in young relationships. That includes learning about things like coercive control, consent, and healthy boundaries.

I’d encourage people to connect with and support the organisations doing this work on the ground, have conversations in their communities, and build their confidence to support someone if they need it. Talk to the young people in your life about healthy and respectful relationships.

And importantly, listen to young people and survivors, we are the experts in our own experiences.